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Fear of Decisions

January 21, 2017

 

I feel like I am always questioning everything. In someways this is a good quality in that I can see most situations from different points of view and can be a little more open minded about things; however I feel that my questioning often makes be feel lost and unable to focus on what I really want. 

 

Last post I said that I wanted to be really organised and have some solid goals to set me up for 2017 and I have started this process, but it has been awfully difficult to define some what could be life changing decisions. I guess change is super scary and even more difficult when you like to be super organised and wanting to stick to your original "ideal life plan"

 

However I am starting to accept that there are some things in life that you just can't control and you can't plan for, which is super frustrating for a control freak like me lol. So you just have to focus on what you can.

 

So far I have set some simple goals such as:

 

*Getting all the panels of the Consul Capri (my classic car) stripped by December  

 

*Completing at least two artworks by the end of the year

 

*A list of house maintenance (above a picture of my painted hallway that I did in 4 days, one ticked off the list yay)

 

All these things have been started and feel real achievable . By starting my goal setting with my hobbies and passions they feel easier to achieve and these things don't effect anyone else.

 

However when it comes to careers goals I am really struggling. When I started teaching my first goal was to get my registration. Then I really wanted to be a Head of Department before I was 30. Then I became a HOD at Aorere and I had a very clear vision of how I wanted the department to grow and set a five year plan. By the end of last year (3 years in) my awesome department had already meet that vision. Which is amazing and makes me feel really proud but now I feel a little bit lost. On top of that I am starting to struggle to fit some of my teaching philosophies into the current education ideals and expectations.

 

When I started teaching I always said that if I felt like I really wasn't enjoying the job or felt like the students weren't getting the very best from me I would leave the profession. When I said that I really thought it would be 20 years into the job but now I am faced with the choice, either suck it up and make the most of a career that I am pretty good at or try something new.

 

Most of my friends see it as a simple choice, leave and look after my own well being first; however it is really hard to give up a career that you have invested a lot of energy, time and money in. I spent 5 years at university to become an art teacher, I still have about 3 years to pay my student loan, people say that I'm good at the job and I do actually really enjoy teaching the majority of students. The job however is rather emotionally draining and is pretty hard on your health and well being. 

 

But I have no idea what it is like in other professions and have no idea what sort of roles I could transition into. The unknown is a very very scary place for a super planner. What if I don't like it? What if I fail? Could I get a job back in teaching if it didn't work out. Do I even really want to want to leave teaching?????

 

Am I the only one who over analyses everything and then feels too scared to make any decision? I feel like I am constantly sitting on the fence, not being able to move forward because its too hard to pick a direction.

 

Think I will need to do some super unpicking of my current situation and hopefully can figure out some answers soon. Will let you know how I get on in my next post.

 

 

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January 21, 2017

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